


Sex-Ed At Hogwarts

by lynnkath08



Series: Slythendor Love [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angelina is a good friend, Astrid and Adrian need to get a room, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Dirty Jokes, Embarrassment, F/M, Funny, Humorous Ending, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Oliver needs a hug, Sex Education, Snape and McGonagall are so done, Snape and McGonagall are suddenly interested, nosy Bletchley, shut up Marcus!, sibling argument, sleepy Terence, sneaky hand job/fingering, wake up Fred and George!, what is up with Marcus Flint and butt plugs?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:54:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22393600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lynnkath08/pseuds/lynnkath08
Summary: McGonagall and Snape teach sex-ed. Well, at least they try to. Marcus can't stop laughing and disrupting the class, Adrian and Astrid can't keep their hands off each other, the Weasley twins just want to sleep, and other crazy shenanigans.
Relationships: Adrian Pucey/Original Female Character(s), Alicia Spinnet/George Weasley, Angelina Johnson/Fred Weasley, Marcus Flint/Oliver Wood, Terence Higgs/Percy Weasley
Series: Slythendor Love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1607029
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	Sex-Ed At Hogwarts

"Your attention please," McGonagall said, and everyone in the Great Hall turned to look at her and the other teachers.

"Thank you, McGonagall. Now, the teachers and I all have a very special treat for all of you. You will be learning sexual education," Dumbledore said. The First Year students were all shocked. They all whispered with each other until Dumbledore silenced them. "I know, I know. A lot of you may feel very uncomfortable, and that is normal. But, it is important to learn these things," he told them.

"You will be split into groups. First, Second, and Third Year students, boys and girls will be learning separately. Fourth Year and up, boys and girls will be learning together," McGonagall said. "First, Second, and Third year Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff boys, you will be learning with Professor Flitwick. Girls, with Professor Sprout. Slytherin and Gryffindor boys will be learning with Professor Hagrid. Girls, with Professor Trelawney. Fourth Year and up, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff with Madam Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore. Slytherin and Gryffindor with Professor Snape and myself," she added.

* * *

"This is boring! I'm bored!" Fred whined.

"I'm going to sleep. Wake me up when it's over," George said, and both twins fell asleep.

Marcus laughed. "This is gonna be entertaining," he said in between laughs.

"Everyone settle down! This is a very important subject so I want everyone to pay attention," McGonagall said. She went to Fred and George's desk and shook them.

"What if we've already had sex?" Marcus asked, snickering.

"Marcus, stop," Oliver snapped, blushing.

"It's still important to learn these things," McGonagall said.

"McGonagall, help me!" Snape said. He was trying to stop Adrian and Astrid, who were in the middle of snogging, with Astrid straddling Adrian.

"Fred, George, stay awake. You too, Higgs," McGonagall said, shaking Terence's shoulder and walking towards Astrid and Adrian's desk. "Miss Wood and Mr. Pucey, save that for after class," she said, pulling the Gryffindor Dancer from the Slytherin Chaser.

Oliver turned back to glare at Astrid and Adrian, and did the 'I'm watching you' sign to the latter. Adrian just smirked and stuck his tongue out, and Astrid leaned to lick his tongue, much to Oliver's disgust. The older Wood sibling, mortified and furious, turned to face the front of the room. Sure, he eventually accepted the relationship, but he hated seeing his sister making out with her boyfriend.

"Astrid, I'm telling Mum and Dad," Oliver warned his sister.

"Ok," Astrid responded, placing her hand on Adrian's thigh. She felt her boyfriend's hand on her knee, slowly sliding up her own thigh.

McGonagall and Snape sighed.

* * *

"Professor Snape! What's a butt plug?!" Marcus asked, laughing.

"I'm not gonna answer that," Snape grumbled.

"What about a dildo? What's that?!" Marcus asked again. He already knew what the objects were, he just got a kick out of asking the teachers embarrassing questions, with Oliver trying to calm him down.

"Mr. Flint! That's enough!" McGonagall snapped.

"As I was saying, sexual intercourse involves sliding the male organ into the female organ, or bum," Snape said.

"Penis into the vagina, or anus," McGonagall said.

"Yeah, that," Snape said, clearly done with the class.

"Bum!" Marcus laughed. Half of the class laughed as well.

"Fred, wake up," Angelina said, shaking the redhead.

"You too, Georgie," Alicia said, poking the other twin.

"Terence, don't fall asleep," Percy said, getting Terence's head off his shoulder.

"Mine," Terence said, leaning his head back on Percy's shoulder.

"Guys, I just thought of something funny," Marcus said.

"What?" the twins asked.

"No!" Angelina and Alicia warned their respective boyfriends.

"About Astrid and Adrian," Marcus said in a hushed voice.

"No, I don't wanna hear it. Lalalalalalalala!" Oliver sang while covering his ears.

"When they're having sex," Marcus continued.

"Lalalalalalalalalalala!" Oliver kept singing, plugging his ears.

"Just say it!" the twins encouraged.

"No!" Angelina, Alicia, Percy, Snape, and McGonagall warned.

"He slid his Wood into her Pucey!" Marcus joked. Half of the guys in the room burst out laughing.

"Oh my Salazar! That's the funniest joke I've ever heard!" Miles Bletchley said, falling off his chair. "Ouch! I'm ok, I'm ok," he laughed, getting back up on his chair. The boys that were laughing got up to high-five Marcus.

"That was not funny. You could hurt their feelings," Angelina said.

"Funny thing is, they don't even care! They're too busy!" Lucian Bole laughed, pointing to Astrid and Adrian, who were snogging again.

"Not again! McGonagall! Help!" Snape said.

McGonagall sighed as she helped him split the two up.

"Mine," Adrian said, holding Astrid.

"Let go!" Snape snapped at the young couple.

"No!" they said back.

"Ugh! I give up," Snape said, grabbing the paper. "Anyways-" he started, only to be interrupted again.

"You can't spell subtext without butt sex!" Marcus blurted out.

"Marcus!" "Mr. Flint!" Oliver and McGonagall, respectively, snapped.

"It's true though! I'm not even sorry," Marcus said, shrugging.

* * *

"This is a dildo," Snape said, holding up the object.

Marcus laughed again.

"My cock is bigger than that," Adrian whispered in his girlfriend's ear.

"I know," Astrid whispered back. They slid their hands between each others' legs.

The class was once again interrupted by the twins snoring, with Angelina and Alicia waking them up.

"As I was saying!" Snape tried to continue.

"Room of Requirement tonight?" Adrian whispered to the younger Wood.

"Hell yes," Astrid whispered in response. They looked at each other, and started making out again.

"UGH!!" Snape groaned. He was so done.

McGonagall sighed. "This is ridiculous," she said, trying to separate the two lovebirds, but gave up.

"Pucey, hurt my sister, and I will kill you!" Oliver warned. Astrid flipped him off while still snogging with Adrian.

"Cheer up, Ollie. Let me take care of you," Marcus offered.

"Marcus, we're not having sex for a week," Oliver said, with Marcus pouting.

"And I've officially heard way too much information," Snape mumbled.

McGonagall took the paper from Snape and started reading. "Let me take over. So, an orgasm is-"

"Oh yes! It feels so good! Yes! Yes!" Marcus interrupted.

"That's it! No sex for 2 weeks!" Oliver threatened.

"Wait! I'm sorry! I promise I'll be good! Besides, you couldn't handle not having sex as well. I'm too hot to resist," Marcus teased.

"You'll be suffering from blue balls for a month," Oliver said.

"If I suffer from blue balls, so will you," Marcus told him.

"Damn it!" Oliver groaned.

"Why do I even bother?" McGonagall wondered. She was so done as well.

"Hey, why do Adrian and little Wood look so flushed back there? You two ok? What were you guys doing? Hm?" Bletchley asked. "I'm just messing with you. I don't care. Live your lives," he added.

Oliver slammed his fist on his desk. He had the feeling he knew what was going on.

Marcus can sense that Oliver was about to go off, so he tried to find a way to lighten his mood. "Ollie's got a hot booty! Just thought I'd let everyone know," he said, poking Oliver's butt while smirking.

"Will you stop?!" Oliver snapped.

"What suddenly crawled up his ass?" Bole whispered to Bletchley.

"I can hear you guys! And I'll tell you what's wrong! My sister is probably getting finger fucked by her precious snake boyfriend, while she's probably hand fucking him in return!" Oliver yelled.

"Not wrong about that," Astrid mumbled. She licked her hand discreetly, and noticed Adrian at the corner of her eye doing the same with his fingers.

"I'm definitely telling Mum and Dad!" Oliver said.

"It's not like _you're_ innocent. Adrian told me that last night you and Flint were in the showers together and you dropped the soap!" Astrid said in return.

"OOH!!" the whole class shouted.

"Burn," Snape mumbled.

"Wow," McGonagall said.

"She's right though," Marcus said softly.

"And as for you, Mister! No sex for two months!" Oliver said to the Slytherin Quidditch Captain, making him pout.

"Shit just got real," Snape said quietly.

"Back to the lessons!" McGonagall said, changing the subject and looking at the paper again.

* * *

"Class dismissed," McGonagall said. After an hour of crazy things going on, they were finally done with their lessons.

"That took forever," Bletchley whined.

"Well, if everyone paid attention and not be so stupid in class, maybe we would've been done an hour ago," Percy said, gathering his stuff and walking out.

"Finally," Snape said, plopping his head on his desk.

"Room of Requirement tonight. Don't forget," Adrian reminded Astrid.

"I know, I wrote it down," Astrid said with a smirk as Adrian kissed the top of her head. 

"Professor Snape, do double ended butt plugs exist?" Marcus asked.

"Mr. Flint, just go," McGonagall groaned.


End file.
